So I was watching HOUSE last night. And while we were waiting to solve the case of the sick teen girl (eclampsia! didn't see that coming!) said teen girl had a seizure and they ordered up 4 milligrams of Lorazepam for her. Stat.
And that got me thinking about the state of my own wellness 11 years ago, before I finally had the balls to walk into a 12-Step meeting and start my life over again.
Here's why. I had so confused and betrayed my body's natural ability to heal itself that it was on crazy-girl overload and succumbed to panic attacks on a regular basis. Like when I had to drive or go to the store or do anything out of the house. At night I was cool because I was all liquored up. But by day, since it seemed so, well, alcoholic to drink during the day, I would smoke cigarettes, drink coffee, not eat and obsess about mistakes past or drinks future. And I would panic.
In order to avoid and/or or override the panic attacks, I took Lorazepam. Sometimes up to 3 milligrams of it. Not like it was prescribed this way for me. But because I "needed" that many. I needed one less milligram than it takes, apparently, to stop a girl from seizing.
Here is what I remember from that time: misery. Misty water color misery. I don't have much detail but the despair is something I hope never to return to. I would spend days on end diagnosing my hypochondriacal self on the internet. If I ever got vanity tags on my car they would read "Web MD" for sure. But instead of leaning into the truth, I diagnosed myself with a million fatal and/or painful diseases. Because that is how I felt on the inside. Because that is how it feels to be addicted and out of control.
Every day you want to do it different and every day you repeat the same stupid cycle of behavior. Madness. In a bottle.
Today, I am grateful to report, I feel healthier than I have ever felt in my entire life. Stronger. More hopeful. Serene. These were things I used to pray for every day.
So if you find yourself being your own Web MD, searching for impressive illnesses to help explain your maladies, just consider leaving a few things out of your diet for awhile. And if you can't, if you need help, call me. There is a place we can go hang out that is all about wellness.